by Kris Pitcher
At under three weeks out to the NPC USA's...I'm hyper focused. My problem is, my brain was ready to be done June 15th after Jr's. Bridging these two contests has been a mental engineering feat fit for a thesis project.
I've stayed on plan. My eating, lifting and cardio have been on point. My objectivity however has gone out the window. If it were up to me, I'd tell you I'm softer, fatter and smaller. None of that can be true? Well, all of that can't be true? Self doubt.
This is where I am grateful to have a solid coach who has eyes I trust. It's where I'm grateful to enact the strength not to plunge up to my elbows in the peanut butter jar. It's when I thank my lucky stars to have accountability to myself, and to everyone out there watching. Both of you.
Tired. Uncertain. Hungry. Unable to concentrate. Did I mention tired? I told my husband I had been thinking about the number of weeks I'd been dieting, but was afraid to count them up. I'm ready to work on the things I know I need to improve. I'm ready for my off season.
I've never wanted to cheat so bad in my life. Yes, I'm "normal". I haven't. But, I've wanted to. More meat. A handful of nuts. Anything. I just want more. I crave meat and fats. I see the end in my sights and I know I just need to get through.
I'm at the point where I can't tell if I've made any additional progress. I can't determine if I'm holding on to what I have, if I'm slipping, or just...existing. The competitor's haze. It's hazy in my head. My eyes can't see. And I almost have to stop looking.
Do I look washed out? Am I holding water? And really, none of that matters today. None of it matters until Saturday the 27th when I'll take the stage with hundreds of other competitors. That will be the day it matters. Not today.
Today, all I have to do is get through each meal, drink my water, get through work, do my workout, complete my cardio...rest. All I have to do is focus on this moment. And if I'm hyper focused on this very moment, let it be.
It's the sum of all the moments which get you to the stage. The months, the weeks, the days, the moments. The sum. And in these small moments, I am reminded...I choose to compete at this level. Those reminders may come more rapidly in the next two weeks. I choose. I choose. And focused I will be. For that very reason my brain and my body are not done, we've got one more big one around the corner.
Find your focus. Remind yourself why you've chosen to do what you are doing. Trust your advisers. Get yourself to your goal by being hyper focused...even if it means you're in a haze.