She Bangs

by Kris Pitcher

I may not exactly have thought this out real well. In fact last year I missed it all together. As the year is drawing to a close I looked back on my calendar realizing it was time to schedule my mammogram.

When I called to make the appointment, the very efficient scheduler told me my last one was in 2011. How did I miss a year? Everyone with boobs, which is everyone...will eventually get her, or his, day under the "paddle" for their pictures.

"No deodorants, lotions, or powders." she reminded me on the phone. Dreading the morning of my appointment, not for being squished between plastic, and having pressure applied to my girls...I was dreading no deodorant.

This is not a good situation for me. But comply I did. Now, what I did not plan very well in conjunction with this very important annual exam, was it was also my first day with bangs.

Silence? Well, the last time I had bangs was approximately 1980, which was a long time ago. There wasn't a lot riding on them at that time. Today however...was different. Dripping with sweat from my morning cardio, there was no way I could salvage the darling bangs my stylist had so beautifully created the night before.

I had to wash my hair. Once I got my product in, I decided to dry the new bangs first. They seemed to have a life of their own, and images of 1980 came rushing into my head. No deodorant. I envisioned the bangs heading straight up toward the sky. Not a good combination. I could feel the perspiration begin to bead under my arms.

After diffusing the rest of my hair I dislodged that piece from the end of my dryer, turned the air on low and began to do my finish work. I might have said a prayer. Pulling and finger curling my new bangs they sort of began to look like they belonged.

Not enough. I needed more tools. From under my cabinet I pulled the worlds smallest flattening iron (thank you Shelly) and plugged it in. Thinking I would use the iron to both flatten and curl the bangs into the side of my hair - you could say I had a vision. A vision of how things should go.

There came a point where any more work might render the project a "do over". I stopped, put down my tools, and opened the other side of my cabinet. Finishing product. And my prayers were answered.

A glop of smoothing cream, some tugs here, and wax there, all followed by a spritz of hair spray...I think I did it! Patting my armpits dry, I looked in the mirror pretty happy with my result. Day one down. She bangs! I can't wait to do it tomorrow with my deodorant on. Now? Does that count as second cardio?...