Wardrobe Malfunctions

by Kris Pitcher

Last week I had a number of mornings which included wardrobe malfunctions. Now, my mornings are highly organized, timed events. I'm on a tight schedule, and I don't have time for the items on the hangers not to work out.

The first malfunction came when I tried to incorporate color into my outfit by wearing my light blue sweater. It was a little snug and looked, even with a slightly padded bra, like I'd been in the freezer for an hour. This would not be acceptable.

The second malfunction came another day when I slipped a pair of black slacks (I know) on and they felt like they'd been shrunk by some time-warp machine. I looked at my thighs...looked at the slacks. Not the usual ones in my normal rotation. Not acceptable.

I wish Stacy and Clinton would pluck me off the street and tell me What Not To Wear. Now, I know you should be careful what you wish for. But, I would dutifully try on my wardrobe for them while they crossed their arms and hissed at me.

I would let them tell me to throw it away. I would cringe as they clunked my several pairs of Dansko's into the bin. They would however, let me keep my black boots. That's about the only thing I have worth keeping.

I would let them take me shopping so they could see that indeed, nothing fits me. Pants do not come up over my thighs. The ones which do, have enough room for two people in the waist. Brows would furrow when they tried to slip me into a suit jacket - hmm? She's too wide?

We would try jersey knits and jeans with lycra. Most would be too long, too short, too tight, too loose. They would try dresses that would look disproportionate, and suits that would need extensive tailoring.

Ultimately they might find themselves exhausted at trying to fit me into the industry's standard. They can fit bigger girls, square girls, tom-boy looking girls, even skinny girls...they can fit younger girls, older ladies and those who've dressed "age inappropriate" for years. They've turned hippies, gunnie sack wearers, and all types into fashionistas.

But a fit girl with weekly wardrobe malfunctions? I don't know. I'm certainly not willing to change me or my shape for the clothes. If they don't fit, they don't fit.

I think I'll continue purging what doesn't work for me any more...and maybe I'll get a little better with my sewing machine. Because this fit girl is just getting fitter!