This Kind of Sexy Stays at Home

by Kris Pitcher

If you think I'm sexy...you must only know me on facebook. Are you from facebook? It's funny the notions people can get from a tiny profile picture.

Someone recently said to me, something to the effect that it's amazing that I'm always in shape. My husband laughed for me while I picked my jaw up off the floor.

Fat chance! He went on to say, "No, there's just no documentation of her off season body posted on facebook!"  So true! And why would I?!

But to really know me is to know me first thing in the morning. I don't wake like those people on TV...all pretty and made up. I wake up full of CRAZY! Only really special people know me this way.

It's. Not. Sexy. First I eject the ear plugs. They are custom and fit my ears like a glove. I have to kind of dig them out. Then comes the mouth guard...

I'm a grinder, what can I say? Molars, I've cracked 'em. Crowned 'em. Cracked the crowns, and chewed through bite guards. Be careful what you put between these jaws of steel. My husband recently eyed it in it's little container in the bathroom and said, "You can get a new one of those you know?"

It's is kind of ugly. I went on to explain that it was over $350 and I would wear that one until I chewed through it. Insurance doesn't cover it (at $350). They cover crowns (at $1,600). *smile.

Then you need to stand back and get a good look at my hair. Flock of seagulls? Kramer? Ringing any bells? Well, this hair has a life of it's own and you just never know what it's going to do through the night.

One thing is for sure, in the morning it looks like squirrels have made a home in there. Full of crazy. So, once you get passed all of that (yes, he's a good man to love me) and wipe the drool off my face I clean up pretty good.

If you think for one second I would document that, or most any "regular" day in the life...that would just be self deprecating. And why would I post that on social media?

You can keep my special, profile, moments and think I look like that all the time. Lipstick on and tanned and contest ready. But that's not me most of the time. Most of the time I'm the kind of sexy that stays at home!